Ok, I have left you hanging long enough on the heart attack from my sister.
So, my sister called me up and says we need to talk about the wedding. I told her there is not going to be some big fancy wedding. She started having a heart attack about it before I could even start telling her my plans and hopes.
"I want there to be a wedding"
"I've never been in any one else's weddding"
"I want to be the one that stands up there and gets to hold the brides flowers"
"I want to wear a fancy Maid of Honor/Bridesmaid dress"
"What colors are you going to have"*
Whoa, whoa whoa. Slow down. I am not going to wear a fancy dress so neither are you. I am not going to pick out a color scheme. I am not going to have flowers every where unless they are already planted in the ground. OMG, you would have thought I just cut her fucking arms off. She started panicking that she would not get to wear a nice dress. And OMG don't forget about the girls and that they would want to be flower girls and wear fancy dresses and shoes. And OMG don't forget about.......
Stop again. No color scheme, no flower girls, no fancy dresses for the girls (although on that point it was more to aggrevate her than anything. The girls can wear whatever they want to. They are adorable in their fancy "party dresses" and patent leather shoes.).
Then she proceeded to tell me that I HAVE to wear a dress. I cannot get married in jeans. (I may tell her that is fine as long as I get to wear a black one and she what kind of fit she has then.) She told me that I had to wear shoes(meaning heels). Now, come on, every person that knows me knows I don't wear dress shoes(meaning heels-have you ever seen an elephant in heels? No? Me either, but I think that is what I would look like trying to walk in heels-no coordination). I wear tennis shoes every day that I can.** Or no shoes as soon as I get home.
I tried to tell her that this will totally not be a traditional wedding. I want my kind of wedding. The kind that is more of a party or celebration than a solemn occasion uniting a man and woman. Shouldn't we be celebrating that we want to get married, not standing following some protocol? And most definitely we will do it how we want. Just a simple "I do" ceremony and then a big cookout and party afterwards. Of course we will have to sneak off to do a simple ceremony of our own at some point during the evening....
My poor sister wants to be in a traditional wedding so bad she can't stand it. She wants to stand up with me, have the girls be flower girls, dress up, all of the flowers and hoop-la decorating the church and all that shit. I kept trying to tell her it wasn't going to happen, but she kept insisting. I am pretty sure it will crush her when I still do it my way, but I. Am. Not. Wearing. A. Dress. Or. Shoes. She is going to have a heart attack all over again when I tell her that I am absolutely certain I am not doing it her way. But she had her fairy tale wedding, and I had to do things her way. Like wearing a dress, that came from a bridal shop. I just won't be doing that. No more will my feet be walking into a bridal shop. For anyone. That shit is way to girlie for me to want to even be in the same room.
So my poor poor sister is going to have to suck up being all prissy and preppy and come down to my level for a day. Hick City here I come, with my preppy sister in tow. They won't know what hit them. She is trendy and makes me crazy. But have no doubt that I love my sister, and most definitely love to torture the fuck out of her. Cuz, you know, that's what sisters are for.
* I am pretty sure there was more, but with all the fast talking, panicking and words falling out of her mouth at that high rate of speed, I did not catch all of it. I just can't wait to have the wedding conversation with her again, just to see what happens to come out of her mouth next.
**As a side note the reason for tennies is that I am a total clutz. I stopped in to see a friend of mine at the bar/grill I go to that she works at. She was pulling in as I got there. She and I walked up to each other and she was going to give me a hug for congratulations, but instead caught me because even in tennies, I tripped up, yes up, the curb and fell into her. That is my grace in action. So NO heels.
13 Best Anal Beads in 2018
2 weeks ago